Fear the Goat shirts available now.

 WHO WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD IN ONE OF THESE?

Contact Loquacious Gadfly of FUCOM Industries to get yours today!

(L.G. has no e-mail, phone or PO Box but can be found in the Prospect Kroger parking most days between 10 a.m. - 9 p.m.)

-Prices may vary and be subject to change.
-Limited supply. Some sizes may be unavailable.
-CASH ONLY!
-No refunds
-Al sales final

BILL SAYS:

Bill thinks you should buy one of these shirts because Bill gets a small percentage of each sale. Bill needs money to head to Hollywood again and visit with his friend George Clooney.

GET YOURS TODAY! DON'T DELAY!! OK??
..

Other goat logos you might like are also featured below....

Bill the Goat announces "BILL THE GOAT'S KIDS FAN CLUB

HEY PARENTS! WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR TODDLER HAS SOME BIG FUN?

-Sign up your precious darlin' for BILL THE GOAT'S KIDS FAN CLUB !!!!

That's right....Bill The Goat has formed a Kids Fan club that'll be second to none. Bill plans many fun outings for the "Goatateers" over the next few months and you'll want to make sure your children don't miss a single minute of the action. Planned trips:

-Louisville Waste Manangement facilities

-PJCS Parking lots after UofL home football games

-The Churchill Downs infield after OAKS and DERBY days

-Banks of the Ohio River after flood stages have passed

-The Parrish House after the WVU game

Just fill out the application below and e-mail it to:

billthegoat@insightbb.com

COST IS ONLY $25 for 12 months! (PLEASE MAKE CHECKS PAYABLE TO LOQUACIOUS GADFLY or CASH)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


APPLICATION

Name of child______________________________________________

Other children_____________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Do you have a backyard Bill can graze in?_________________________

Can you sing the "Goat-herders Lullaby?__________________________

Who would Bill contact in case of emergency?______________________

Who would Bill call if he is hungry?______________________________

*Disclaimer.

Bill the Goat's Kids Fan Club is a division of FUCOM Industries and not part of any religious cult, athletic association or registered with the Chamber of Commerce or Better Busines Bureau. Bill cannot be held responsible for any injuries, incidents, acts of war or bare knuckled, bare chested backyard brawls that may occur when the kiddies are under Bill's supervision.

Hey, look Ma! Bill has a Kids Club. Can I join?

PLANNED GUEST SPEAKERS:

COOLIO!!!!!

POOBAH

A real live BEAR!!!!

Seneca senior center Michael Stewart

Tommy Boy and the Irish Mafia

KRAMER!

The dancing of Bon-nay Sabel
and drinking tips
from MArkie MArk

FLO THE CRACK HO!


DON"T MISS OUT GET YOUR KIDS IN TODAY!!!!!!

(Call Murph at the Southside Salvation Army to

book "Flo" for your next event! Prices vary...)

Bill claims..." I wasn't in Henderson on Saturday night."

CALVIN BOREL POPPED FOR DUI...BILL CLAIMS INNOCENCE.

Ace Thoroughbred jockey Calvin Borel was taken down by "the man" Saturday night near Ellis Park Racetrack while on his way back to the hotel after a night of beer and bowling.
Was in Evansville, a town that is known for pretty strict law enforcement, on Hwy 41...the swath that di-sects the city into East Side/West Side (with all the money on the East Side ).

Cops sez he was "cutting too abruptly while changing lanes." For Christ sakes, hadn't the office ever seen Borel ride? His patented "cut to the rail" maneuvers on the race track have been around for years. 

The three time Kentucky Derby Winner (Street Sense, Mine the Bird, Super Saver) was barely over the legal limit of .08 in Indiana, according to his wife and jockey agent . How many cold frosties does it take to get a wee-man like Calvin to .08? Two, maybe?

Bill the Goat, a known associate of Calvin's on the backstretch at Churchill Downs and avid bowler, denies any involvement in the activities Saturday evening that got Calvin blotto.

"Bill is currently housed in the West Wing of the Kentucky Exposition Center at the Kentucky State Fair and will be till next Sunday." press spokesman Tommy Boy related to local media outlets. "He has asked me to share his concerns and worries over the Borel arrest by stating that 'even Bill knows...too much to drink means you don't drive'. It is rumored that Bill was spotted at Executive Bowl (on the outskirts on the K.E.C.) late Saturday night..but he was dumpster-diving alone.

(In other news, Pat Valenzuela shaved all the hair off his body again to avoid DNA drug sample testing.)

CARDINAL Caravan this afternoon

Thursday Cardinal Couple

-Final Cardinal Caravan at Captain's Quarters

-Another Lindsey headed to the press table...

6 p.m. the start time for the activities at Captain's Quarters down on the Ohio River. Rick Pitino, volleyball's Anne Kordes and soccer's Karen Ferguson-Dayes the featured speakers. The Ladybirds and Louie the Cardinal Bird will be on hand as well with Al Greener's excellent UofL Pep Band. Who knows, you just might run into a couple of Lady Card hoopster as well.

Captain's Quarters is a great place to have Cardinal Caravan!

Even though CARDINAL COUPLE won't be able to attend, we've got readers there that have promised to provide us a full report later this evening. If you go, go early...it gets crowded down on the lawn.

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The Howitzer enters fatherdom...

Congratulations to Louisville/Cardinal Sports Report impresario Howie Lindsey and his wife Stasia on the birth of their first child...a nearly 9 lb. baby boy that was named Howard Lindsey IV.

As LSR head man Jack Coffee reports...Mother and child are doing fine...Dad not so well.

Nine pounds...about the weight of Sonja's bowling ball. You can probably expect this one to be running around with a notepad and tape recorder in pre-school a few years from now...getting inside scoop on lunch entree prospects, milk break trends and the latest scuttlebutt around the sandbox. Way to go, big guy!
.

Who else is tired of Flo the Insurance bimbo?

FLO HAS GOTTA GO

Bill is tired of Flo invading the airwaves on television. Bill thinks that Flo needs to join a cult, strangle herself during some kind of sexual bizarro gratification act, become a Nazi or marry a millionaire.

If I knew Flo, I'd head butt her. If I ever see Flo, I'll emit a loud "NAAAAAAAAA" and aim for her genitals with my horns...because we can't have her reproducing.

If Flo was on the UofL women's basketball team, Coach Walz would pull her scholarship.

Bill thinks that they need to replace her with chimps. After all, we're all chimps of the insurance moguls anyway, so why not a little reality TV?

-Bill

It's Official...Bill The Goat withdraws bid for Governor

BILL THE GOAT DROPS OUT OF GOVERNOR'S RACE

-Finances, staff quitting major factors...

In a statement released by Tommy Boy, Bill's last campaign staff member, Bill has decided to quit the race for governor. His comments:

"Although I feel I have reached a significant amount of people who are interested in change for Kentucky, most of them aren't interested in my campaign for governor as being a way to change things. Therefore, I have decided to actively close my campaign for Governor and will throw my support to Jerry and Steve. It's been a blast, I've notified my running mate for Lt. Governor Howie and I'm headed out west for a few months to see the Grand Canyon, do a few television commercials and go to the Burning Man festival.
To all of you that were there with me to the final end, thanks and best wishes."

-BILL

Cahill (far right) poses with CARDINAL COUPLE Co-Owner
Paul Sykes (left), Centre Soccer Star Andrew Karel (second left)
and Bread Boy (second right).

Cahill read the statement before a bewildered group of Japanese tourists visiting the Louisville Slugger Museum and refused to answer questions or pose for photos afterwards. He was seen hours later at O'Shea's...slamming down Irish Car Bombs and debating the Detroit Tigers chances at a World Series slot.

Note: Bill has decided to keep this website open...since it is free and he doesn't have to do anything for it.

ili

BILL, pictured left, expresses his opinion to a passerby at a recent Cardinal Caravan event. Bill has decided that he would like to become director of operations for the Bellarmine University football team and has contacted the school about his availibility. 

Bill's financial advisor during the run, Loquacious Gadfly, met earlier with Bill and offered to turn over $2.87...the balance of the campaign finances. Bill refused to accept the money and instructed Gadfly to send the money to The Crusade for Children. Gadfly seemed uncertain on what his future would hold...but mentioned that panhandling in the area of 4th street LIVE on weekend nights had been going well and he might consider a full time move to the area. We'll bet you the balance that the $2.87 gets deposited in the register at Prospect Liquors in return for a cheap bottle of port. WE'LL have follow ups and reactions to Bill's decision as they become available. We can tell you that former UofL football prospect DaMarcus Smith has already "tweeted" about the decision and said: 'Yo dawg.. DANG wid da Bill foshizzle and word up, yo"

We agree.

BILL THE GOAT ASSESSING HIS CAMPAIGN..

BILL THE GOAT MULLS OVER HIS CAMPAIGN FOR GOVERNOR

The political strategists and campaign organizers involved in Bill the Goat's run for governor have recommended that he put his campaign on temporary hold and have urged him to take a couple of days off the campaign trail to decide whether he has a realistic chance in gathering sufficient votes to take the race. 

In a statement released Friday morning, the brain trust said:

Hey, Bill. You got no chance whatsoever to win this thing. Your campaign coffers are empty, your campaign staff is down to three volunteers who show up whenever they feel like it and your refusal to make any speeches or live appearances isn't helping any. We haven't been paid since we started working for you and polls show that if the election were to be held tomorrow...you'd receive 0.003% of the votes. We're outta here...good luck.

-Your political strategists and campaign organizers.

Bill had no comment about the release...but when asked if he was quitting the race...he replied "Nahhhhhh."

Bill's announced Lt. governor choice Howie Lindsey has been busy with a pregnant wife, full time job and recording his debut gangsta rap EP and could not be reached for comment either.

When asked if he would agree to joining in a debate with Democratic and Republican candidates...Bill answered "Nahhhhhh."

Campaign treasurer Loquacious Gadfly skipped town with the vast majority of the campaign donations several weeks ago to go to Baltimore and The Preakness on a "fact finding" mission and hasn't been heard from since. We're wondering just how far he got on $74.15. Since most of the campaign funds were raised by Loquacious by panhandling and scouring parking lots for loose change...I guess there's "no harm, no foul" there....

Campaign manager Tommy Boy hasn't been heard from since the opening of the live meet at Churchill Downs and would not return calls placed to his listed office phone...some place that answers the phone   "Five O Clock Charlie's"...
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Bill the Goat proposes changes in the 12 months...

CAMPAIGN NEWS:

Bill was asked what changes he would propose in the next twelve months. Bill responded by suggesting that the months themselves needed to be changed. He wants all twelve months to be four letter words. July and June are safe. The other changes:

JANUARY would go to JANY
FEBRUARY changes to FEBY
MARCH is now ARCH
APRIL converts to FOOL (Bill's favorite day of the year...April Fools Day)
MAY adds an "e" to MAYE
AUGUST is shortened to GUST
SEPTEMBER becomes SEPT
OCTOBER translates as BILL now (Bill thinks a month should be named after him and since he was born in October...well, you get the idea.)
NOVEMBER shortens to NOER
DECEMBER would become BRRR

Bill refused to comment on the changes...but Lt. Gov. running mate Howie Lindsey thinks that the changes will save everyone a great deal of time when writing, use less ink and cut government spending. Lindsey proposed that Bill is "a stinking genius, I tell ya...and even re-named me Howe."

Be very afraid, Kentuckians...

Williams, Farmer win Kentucky Republican Governor primary.

In primary voting that attracted less that 10% of those registered to vote, Burkesville reactionary David Williams and former UK basketball player Little Richie Farmer have secured the Republican spot on the November elections for governor and lieutenant governor.

They must be defeated.

If you are a fan of horse racing or casino gambling, you must vote against them.

They combine to form a ticket that will send the commonwealth of Kentucky back into the 1930's with regards to progressive thinking, education and job growth. Williams...a long time political power broker in southern Kentucky...has blocked attempts to bring casino gambling or casino machines to racetracks for years. He is no friend of the horse industry and keeps millions of dollars from filling the state government coffers by his draconian and bullying tactics.

Farmer is a political goofball. Elected agricultural commissioner largely because of name recognition by UK basketball fans...he now seeks to be second in command in Kentucky. That would be like having a pre-schooler head up the physics department at the University of Kentucky. He does seem to be very good at travelling around the state and running up state-paid tabs at various hotels and restaurants. Having him one heartbeat away from control of the state is akin to having a trained chimp next in line to run a banana factory.

BILL THE GOAT  realizes he may not win the race for Kentucky governor...but hopes that if he doesn't....standing governor Steve Beshear and his running mate Jerry Abramson do.

Please help Kentucky. Keep David Williams in Burkesville and Richie Farmer in his backyard shooting three pointers.
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Bill the Goat: A Q and A session.

Bill the Goat is running for governor. Through his campaign manager, Tommy Boy...some answers to frequently asked questions....

Why is Bill the Goat running for governor?

Why not ? It's a free country. Bill has proven over the years he's a strong believer in ecology, recycling and the rights of animals.

What is Bill's stance on casino gambling in Kentucky?

He's in favor of it. Why should Kentuckiana dollars go across the river and state lines to fill other states' coffers? And, Bill also would put into legislation that animals, as well as people, would be allowed to visit and participate in legalized gambling activities. Cows like to play roulette and chimps are great fun at the Texas Hold 'Em table...

Why isn't Bill running on one of the parties' tickets?

Bill is tired of "politics as usual" and thinks that as an independent...he doesn't have to appease or bow to the backroom politics and power broker bosses that are rampant in the established political parties. Plus, no one asked him to join a political party. Bill is great fun at parties...just ask anyone who has ever attended one where he has been a guest or party crasher. 

What will Bill do about Kentucky's low educational ranking amongst the other states

Bill would revamp the educational process to the old but successful one room schoolhouses. The kids who went through that process turned out pretty good. Lower student/teacher ratios equal success...just ask anyone 70 or older...

Does Bill have a realistic chance of getting elected as governor?

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Did Goldilocks give up when she encountered the Three Bears? Do the Bears give up when they're down to the Packers by a couple of scores? Of course not. It's not the size of the dog in a fight...it's the size of the owner breaking up the fight that matters...and Bill likes dogs, fights, owners and size.

Will Bill have an aggressive TV ad campaign?

Probably not. Bill doesn't watch TV unless UofL Sporting events are being shown and hates commercials...except for the ones that he is in. Bill feels that TV...along with microwaves and remote controls have ruined this country and would ban the use of them....that's something that probably wouldn't go over too well on a political advertisement on TV.

Will Bill debate with the other candidates?

Definitely not! Bill only bleats...and that doesn't translate too well in a debate forum.

Tell us something else that Bill would enact if elected?

Bill would make each June 14th. a state holiday...because that is the birthday of Bill's favorite college soccer player, Centre's ANDY KAREL. He would authorize state-wide celebrations and public gatherings to celebrate Andy's birthday...culminating in a state-wide sing-a-long at 10 p.m. of "Happy Birthday".

DON'T LET THE OTHER CANDIDATES GET YOUR GOAT.....VOTE FOR BILL!
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BILL THE GOAT SHOWS COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT

....from the campaign trial...

-BILL THE GOAT enjoyed OAKS and DERBY at Churchill Downs...an infield attendee. He campaigned
for his governor campaign and even stayed around Sunday to help clean up the mess left behind by partygoers. A spokesman for the campaign confided that the crowd was overwhelmingly positive about
Bill's run for the top spot in Kentucky..as well as about everything else going on in the hedonistic infield.

-Bill also announced that he found $5.20 in bills and loose change while cleaning up...which will go into the
campaign treasury.

VOTE IN THE ELECTION? WE HOPE YOU WILL! MAKE SURE TO VOTE FOR BILL!

BILL the GOAT to campaign at Derby and Oaks

Gubernatoral candidate Bill the Goat will take the campaign to the people with appearances at the Kentucky Oaks and Kentucky Derby this Friday and Saturday. Campaign manager Tom Cahill could not be reached for comment but did issue a statement:

WE feel Bill's campaign is all about the people and where you gonna get more people in two days in this state than at the Oaks and Derby? I tried to get him seats, a box, a suite...but it looks like he's going to end up out in the infield with the crazies. No problem. He's been there before, loves to graze on the grass out there and people are always buying him beer. Plenty of trash out there, too...so Bill can practice his ecology and recycling efforts while there.

Tom Cahill, pictured right, likes Centre soccer star Andy Karel (center)
Also pictured...Paul Sykes, owner of CARDINAL COUPLE (left)
and Bread Boy...second row.

Bill will be accompanied by members of the University of Louisville's Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity and he has also invited Lt. Gov. candidate Howie Lindsey to join him. Lindsey hasn't commented on the probability of his attendance...but was busy watching Louisville Cardinal baseball yesterday...

Prospect impresario Loquacious Gadfly has agreed to be campaign treasurer for Bill's run for governor of Kentucky and noted he has already raised $1.89 for Bill's campaign...loose change he dug out of a fountain at the Oxmoor Mall.

Contributions to the campaign can be  given directly to Gadfly...who panhandles outside the Prospect Kroger or to Cahill, who can normally be found in Silks or Champions at Churchill Downs. Small bills or loose change, please. Winning tickets and cash vouchers also accepted.
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LINDSEY accepts Bill's offer for 2nd in command.

Popular sportswriter and bon vivant Howie Lindsey has accepted the offer to run as Lt. Gov. on Bill the Goat ticket. Lindsey majestically states:

"Bill's eyes may contain freaky, retangular pupils and mine may be a captivating shade of brown, but we share a common vision. Bill and I share a goal of seeing this state cleaned up, and we'll stop at nothing to

Howie Lindsey (pictured right)
poses with a potential voter...or a statue.
These are the days that baffle mankind
and chimps.  

meet our goal. While Bill prefers to eat the refuse he comes across, I prefer to usher them back to their own message board by banning their BIG BLUE usernames. Plus, by running alongside a goat I join a long tradition of goat-runners, most-notably the Navy Midshipmen, and we all know that those guys get the job done (Osama BinDead)."

Bill's reaction was swift and positive. This release from Bill's campaign manager Tommy Boy:

"For years...the name Howie Lindsey has meant honesty, truth, and accuracy in Kentucky. In Hindu, it translates into "he who futhers the cause of cardinals" and  I have no doubt that the man would stoop to help a distressed fingerling trout in a murky stream. This is a fine day for all Kentuckians and I am unquestionably proud to have "the Howitzer" by my side."

Although reaction to the announcement of Lindsey will meet with stern disapproval in traditional "BIG BLUE" bases in the Commonwealth...Bill doesn't see that as a problem. Cahill relates:

"They're all voting for 'Little Richie" and that goober from Burkesville anyway...so it's not like we're losing anything there. Plus, they're UK fans and can't be expected to make a rational decision to begin with. Most of then couldn't spell "CAT" if you spotted them the "C" and the "A".

Campaign manager Tom Cahill had his own glowing praise for the addition of Lindsey.

"From the deep darkness of a political black hole in our state...finally, candidates have emerged that stand for something besides toasts at political fundraisers and the National Anthem. Take the four horse at Churchill in the first race, put him in the Pick 3 with the 4,5,6 in the second and take 'em all in the third. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah...Lindsey! Never since the dark days of post-Eisenhower fiscal irresponsiblity and stagnant, bloated Keynesian economic philosophy has a political move had such impact on a mostly indifferential voter base. I welcome Howie and will probably get around to meeting him before the election. Today is a great day to be a Louisvillian, a Kentuckian...even a lumberjack in a stinky backwoods Montana tittie bar...because a sturdy oak in a dilapadated forest has begun to bear leaves. Or leave bears. Whatever."
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Announcing Bill the Goat for Governor !!

Hello, my name is Bill the Goat and I want to be your next governor of Kentucky! I promise you absolutely nothing...because we're all tired of political promises that never come to fruition. I will, though, work for free and not abuse the privledge of power. I would like to thank my friends and employers Paul and Sonja Sykes for creating this website for me...since I have no thumbs and can't type. I am running as an independent, so you'll have to write me in. It's only 11 letters, BILL THE GOAT.

Let's face it...we had jackasses, clowns, chimps and pigs for governor over the years here in Kentucky. Why not a goat? Remember, if you don't vote, don't complain! Thank you for reading and don't let the other candidates "get your goat"!

Bill the Goat